2025: A YEAR OF THE STOOGES

Absolom Lubwama

The assertion made by Finance Minister Hon. Kasaijja that the Ugandan economy is flourishing “swiiiiiiiih” has turned into a humorous meme since “ku ground biralamuko” (it contradicts the reality on ground).

Many businesses barely make it through their first two years of operation. Aside from other operating expenses like rent, the tax collector’s high revenue axe makes it difficult for new business owners.

Laws in Uganda, like those in other countries, are designed to protect the wealth of the wealthy from the poor and favor them. The wealthy enjoy tax breaks, loan bailouts, and free land, while the poor are left penniless and forced out of wetlands to make room for the rich. Not even the much-lauded rental income is safe, it is now subject to both income tax and local ground rent taxes.

Survival in Uganda: Begging, Hustling, and the Illusion of Opportunity

The lowly are left with one option of begging and praise singing for bread while the rich also need it for favors and security. It is for this reason that you will see preachers turning a blind eye to the pains of the flock inflicted by the government but instead hear them compare the leaders to God. In order to avoid being discarded after making a fool of yourself, as was the case with the local musicians who traveled to Gulu to Beg, the authorities must also perceive some observable results, such as the stooge having a sizable following.

I agree that the first drawback is being born in Uganda; therefore, even Elon Musk and Bill Gates would not have attained their current status if they had been born in Uganda.

A few have managed to hustle their way out of the country to work odd jobs in the Middle East, while others have fled to Europe and America as “economic refugees.” “Survival tactics” have been used by the others who have stayed at home. For example, “lowly class bars have copied the Masaka binyanya DJ music” and on a selected day, the bar owner posts a banner promoting “Campus night mu Kibira.” To add some spice to the evening, sex workers are paid and transported to the location.

Escaping Reality: Bars, Churches, and the Futility of Activism

Despite their aged, worn-out faces, bleached skins, and shoddy makeup that evokes the Japanese Gheisha, the prostitutes light up the bars, concealing their faces behind dim lights and chopped tree branches. They continue to tremble as they dance to the fast-paced “binyanya music.” The revellers are so enthralled by the cheap alcohol, loud music, and marijuana that they temporarily forget their financial difficulties. Repeatedly, the cycle is a means of avoiding reality or making comments about the nation’s issues, which can result in your kidnapping, torture, or, in the worst situation, your death.

Fearful citizens are flocking to church in the hopes of receiving a “message of hope” as the year draws to a close.Unfortunately, the “God turned men of gold” are among the fleecing gang, instructing the flock to “sow a seed” of a specific sum of money in order for God to grant them a better life and miracles in the upcoming year.

The older flocks who have seen the “transitioning of this is a fundamental change of 1986 to No change” have learned a few things, so we tried to warn the GenZs who attempted to march up Parliament to try to end corruption that it was not worth it and would not make any difference. After receiving numerous insults on social media, our prediction was confirmed.

The Politics of Bootlicking and the Cult of Stooges

With elections for the president, local councils, and parliament in less than 14 months, some of the money that politicians steal will end up in the hands of the public in 2025 as they run for office. All one needs to do is be strategic, like an elderly or exhausted monkey that is unable to climb the tree for fruits, sit by the side and wait for the stronger ones to shake the tree, and if they are lucky, pick some fallen ones. You can also act like a pet waiting by the rich person’s dinner table for bread crumbs, leftovers, or a thoughtful food thrown from the happy diner.

Because of the weak economy, bootlicking has become a full-time job and a side gig. All you need to do is observe how some diplomats tag and unquestioningly endorse each tweet.

Reading every questionable tweet in an attempt to figure out how to best join the “Ass kissing legion” is alluring. Bootlickers use their brains, whereas whores use their private parts; the two are identical. For one to be part of this cult, practice beforehand to determine how big and which part of the ass to will kiss is important because “ass kissing” is the latest highly paying gig.

It has long been claimed that occultists sell souls to the devil in exchange for wealth, power, and property. To survive in 2025, people will have to sell their morals and turn into stooges and beggars. They will constantly be surrounded by terms like “owekitibwa, honorable, mugagga, omubwati, afande, next president” on social media. As they are prepared to attack anyone who questions or criticizes their customer, they will be attacking dogs. When their “Luseke” makes a statement, they will leap at the chance to explain what it means. The “Luseke” will gain a cult-like following and be worshipped as though they were a god.

The stooges, like a “cheap whore,” will not feel guilty and will go to any lengths to protect the “luseke” in order to survive.